OH NO THEY DIDNT!!!!!!!!

[mr_j]

go look at the fragile army blog. they've started dissing people by name!

[aquaphase]

that's lovely. a good plot.

edit:
Hmm, looks like Evan wrote it. I actually like it.

[ifihadahifi]

I have to give it up for Dalya, Phyllis, Brine and others that are pushing their buttons. Appearantly it's working.

[ChrisLovesYou]

PRESS ON

[mr_j]

that's lovely. a good plot.

edit:
Hmm, looks like Evan wrote it. I actually like it.

i'm conflicted. it disses people i like. but it is kind of well written.

[aquaphase]

It would have been fantastic if they had contributed this kind of wit to the forum over the past few years instead of after the fact.

I'm still dying to know who "Humility" is and how he pushed their buttons so damn hard in a single post.

[mr_j]

yeah. and i love how yesterday's apology got negated when its author, three or four posts down, dissed the people she apologized to.

[brine]

I know, Evan would have fit right in with us. It's a shame.

[ifihadahifi]

I look forward to the pre-qual.

That's where one of the waitstaff insults all the patrons, the town and the rest of the in-town diners outside because a customer dared to speak up that the meatloaf was just a little cold.

[monet2u]

HAHAHAHAHAAH that was GREAT...

Damn I should have said more...maybe I would have gotten a role in the play...

[Jan]

If only the HIGHLARIOUS send up of the forum members was good...

[mere1975]

I thought it was downright rude.

I don't think any of the "negative" people ever called out band members by name when we said the music or performances were tired.

F Schmevan Schmisey.

- Mere "might have been funnier if it were half as long" 1975

[ChrisLovesYou]

For archival purposes:

BIG SLIM'S DINER
(a play in 3 acts)

by Smevan Smisey


Characters: Smine, Smyllis, Smumility, and Smalya - a group of coworkers
Smanybody - a deli clerk
Smallaboutthemusic (aka Smusic) - a random deli patron
Big Slim - restaurateur/tyrant
Setting: a breezy spring afternoon in Smallas, TX



ACT 1 - The Office

[Smine, head director of marketing at a nondescript local business, enters the cubicle of Smyllis, the inventory manager.]

Smine: Hi, Smyllis. Hey, is that a new blouse?
Smyllis: Yes, it is. Nice of you to notice.
Smine: So, are we still on for lunch?
Smyllis: You mean at the same restaurant we've been going to every day for the past 5 years? You betcha! [she pokes her head over the wall of her cubicle] Hey, Smalya, are you in for lunch?
Smalya [popping her head up from behind the wall]: Big Slim's again? You know I don't like their food ever since they changed the menu. And they wouldn't serve me a month or so ago because they had a private, reserved party going on inside. The nerve! Besides, I know someone who used to work there, and you wouldn't believe what they put in their coleslaw...
Smine: Well, are you going or not?
Smalya: Of course I'm going! Don't be silly. I just got off the phone with Smumility. He's going to meet us there as usual.
Smine: By the way, what kind of name is "Smumility"?
Smyllis: I dunno. Nobody really knows where he's from. Must be Smurkish. Anyway, let's go, because I'm starving.

[Smyllis and Smalya put on their jackets as the lights fade.]

. . . . .

ACT 2 - Big Slim's Diner

[Smumility approaches Smalya, Smine, and Smyllis, who are standing in front of the door to Big Slim's Diner, a local mom and pop's eatery. The latter two are obviously upset over something.]

Smumility: What's up, guys. Is something wrong?
Smine [fuming as he paces back and forth]: I can't believe it! They're closed! We've been eating here every day for 5 years! What are we going to do? What the f@#$ is going on?! Aaaargh!
Smumility: Is there a sign saying why they're closed or when they'll reopen?
Smine: That's just it, there's nothing. I demand an explanation. This is preposterous, inexcusable even! I bet they did this just to ruin our lunch!
Smyllis: And who cares when they'll reopen! I'm never coming back here! I am so offended by this personal affront.
Smumility: Do you wanna try the bar & grill next door? We still have to eat.
Smyllis: What?! Are you kidding? Big Slim's is the best! We might as well stop having our lunches together.
Smine: I was sooo in the mood for Big Slim's meat loaf. It's the greatest in town. It's like a slice of heaven! Regardless, I still want to know why they're closed. I mean, I just can't figure it out. I think I'm losing my mind! [starts shaking uncontrollably]
Smalya: Well, I'm glad they're closed. Have I told you lately that I think their new menu sucks?
Smine, Smyllis, & Smumility [in unison]: Every day!
Smyllis: You've even told Big Slim's waitstaff a few times.
Smumility: Hey, I have an idea. I hear Big Slim also owns a little deli around the corner. Let's go see if we can figure this thing out. We're gonna get some answers. We shouldn't have to put up with this!

[The lights fade as the group scrambles down the sidewalk and exits stage left.]

. . . . .

ACT 3 - Big Slim's Little Deli

[Our 4 protagonists shuffle in the door of a tiny, brightly lit deli. A patron near the window sips coffee as he reads the newspaper over a checkerboard tablecloth. The deli counter is unmanned.]

Smine [looking very pale and disheveled]: Hello?! Big Slim? We need some answers! I mean right now!

[A young man rushes out from the back room.]

Smanybody: Sorry, I was just getting some supplies from the back. What can I do for you?
Smyllis: We want to see Big Slim! We have to eat! I'm starving!
Smanybody: Well, I can fix you a nice sandwich. We have the best in town.
Smumility: She doesn't want a sandwich. She wants Big Slim's meat loaf!
Smalya: But I bet anything's better than Big Slim's Diner. Their new menu sucks!
Smanybody: I work over there now and then. Don't I see you there all the time?
Smine: Enough of this! Where's Big Slim?
Smanybody: He's out running errands. He'll be back in a little while.
Smine: That's not soon enough! I need answers now! Why is his diner closed? When will they reopen?
Smanybody: I honestly don't know. I just heard about it this morning. I'm just as surprised as you are.

[The man at the table puts down his newspaper and clears his throat.]

Smusic: Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help but overhear. Surely they won't be closed too long. I frequent the place myself and know Big Slim well enough that he would never let the place wind down forever. He loves it too much. It's his life.
Smumility: What kind of talk is that? How do you know anything? So you know Big Slim "well enough"? Come to think of it, you kinda look like him! You're probably his brother! No wonder you're sticking up for him!
Smusic: No, really, it's just that I think you're overreacting a little. I'm just trying to help.
Smumility: That's ridiculous! [turning to his coworkers, pointing at each of them, then at the seated stranger] Don't you listen to him. That's Big Slim's nose if I ever saw it!

[The door swings open while Smumility is speaking. A man steps inside, growingly confused by the uproar going on.]

Big Slim: What's going on, Smanybody? Is there a problem?
Smine: You bet there is! Big Slim's Diner is closed! And we deserve to know why!
Smyllis, Smalya, & Smumility [in unison]: Yeah!
Big Slim: Is that it? Well, we're really working hard on redesigning the diner right now.
Smyllis: But why do you have to close until then? It's not fair!
Big Slim: Well, we're really trying to take our new menu to the next level. Most people are fine with the new things we've added, but a few are just so put out with it that we thought it best to take a step back and focus on getting it exactly right. Not too much time, but long enough so that we could really come back with a bang and knock some people's socks off! The new items were things our cook was still experimenting with; maybe we should've waited a little longer before trying them out on the menu.
Smumility: That's your excuse? That's a load of hogwash. You heard a couple of complaints about your food, got your feelings hurt, and decided to throw in the towel. You're so weak.
Big Slim: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's still a decision I had to make, a hard one at that.
Smalya: But I bet your food will still suck! And I know what you put in the coleslaw! I heard a while back that you were going to start a chain, become all corporate, and start focusing on selling memorabilia. Who cares about how good the food is when you're raking it in on t-shirts, right?
Big Slim: Honey, how can you say that? You haven't even tasted any of the new dishes yet. I mean, not how they are now. And I've got my hands so full with these 2 places, I couldn't even think about doing anything more. And besides...

[Suddenly, the entire cast freezes as a piercing siren fills the air and the stage lights all turn to red for 5 seconds, then immediately off altogether, and a monotone male voice starts cutting through the noise.]

Announcer: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. In the event of a real emergency, please feel free to freak out as is appropriate to the situation. In the meantime, calm the f@#$ down. Your program will not continue, due to the author's inability to come up with a suitable ending. I repeat: This is only a test...

. . . . .

THE END

[katie]

yikes.

i just wonder what new fans coming to the site think. like, "wow i should keep my mouth shut cause if not the band is going to ridicule me on a public forum"? i don't know all of what happened in this whole fucked up, childish situation, but it's really starting to turn me off of the band as well as the community.

crankiest day ever.

[Irock]

Thanks ChrisLovesYou!! I was sad because I didn't get the scoop but now I'm happy.
I love you too, ChrisLovesYou!


That Fraggle Army post was snotty. But it just so happens that snotty is one of my very favorite types of funny, so I'm conflicted.