I'm So EXCITED!!!!!!

[mr_j]

Dear Blue States:

Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.

Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.

You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.

(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.

We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.

Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.

Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.

Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.

You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.

Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.

We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.

You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.

The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course

If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?

Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)

For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.

And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.

And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)

Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.

But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.

Sincerely,

The Red States

PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.

[mere1975]

I know they're both exaggerated, but MAN -- that Red State letter sounds raaaaccccciiiissssttttttt!

- Mere "too many WTF?! moments to even try to quote them" 1975

[Irock]

I couldn't sit through the whole blue state one (who knew elephants were so wordy?), but I will say I'm done with those, "all you red states are ignant!" jokes. The Jesusland thing was funny, but it got old after that. And this whole "small towns v. cities" mess. Everyone's always looking for some reason why they're better than everyone else.
Oh, and now the guy one row over (who is constantly WHISTLING) is trying to get people to go vote for McCain. He's clearly just not as smart as us lefties.

[Phyllis]

dear republicans:

stop being bitter bitches because you know you have lost already. suck it up. thank you.

love, me

@mr. j and jackie: TL;DR

EDIT: okay i did read a tiny bit of the "letter to the blue states" thing. the argument of only the big cities going blue is a flawed argument. let's consider the fact that, in Texas (WHICH IS A RED STATE, BTW), urban areas such as Dallas, Austin and Houston almost always go blue. they will certainly go blue this election. yet we are a red state. it works both ways.

and i'd rather live in a country with "radical" feminists, gay marriage, and gun control than a place full of idiots toting guns around, CLINGING TO THEIR RELIGION trying to strip away the rights of women, minorities and gays. and then posing as compassionate christians who only want the best for god's children. yeah, fuck that plz. oh yeah i better go back to my hippie dungeon where i smoke weed all day and read The Nation. because i'm so fucking liberal. OMG WEED I'M SO LIBERAL.

tl;dr = too long; didn't read

also, I'M VOTING FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER TODAAAAAY.

[monet2u]

in the words of the infamous Rodney King...now seen on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab "can't we all just get along?"

[Phyllis]

sorry if i came off as rude. i've been nonstop debating on most of the other forums i visit. on one forum, there is this guy who makes mr. j look like an extreme liberal weed smoking gay person lover. so i'm in debate mode.

[monet2u]

nah, you're fine and after today I might actually read mr j's novela.

republicans are going DOWN! just saying is all.

[mere1975]

I had a lightbulb moment the other day, reading through some Facebook posts from people I knew in high school. . .

I think it comes down to who we consider "the good guys."

A lot of people I know consider the good guys to be the white, suburban family of 5, who drive their giant SUV to church every Sunday. . . vote pro-life but wouldn't consider adopting an unwanted baby in case it had "issues". . . slap a magnetic ribbon on their SUV to support our troops who are off at an unjustified war in Iraq "against the terrorists responsible for 9/11". . . who value human life when it comes to the unborn, but not when it comes to war, the death penalty or the American poor. . . who value the family, but only when it looks like a man and woman getting married (and let's keep them the same race, OK?). . . who keep handguns in the house. . . who vacation strictly within US borders, because what could be better?. . . shun evolution. . . and buy purebred dogs to go with their well-dressed kids.

And others believe the good guys are the ones who strive to stand up for the little guys. . . volunteer. . . support love and marriage, no matter what it looks like. . . try to take public transportation when they can. . . consider fuel efficiency when making choices about cars or homes. . . try to learn about different cultures. . .


I know -- those ideas are full of stereotypes. It's the kind of thing I think about in traffic, and how the people I admire and hope to be like can be SO DIFFERENT from the ideals of others I know (and even like, sometimes!)

- Mere "rambling" 1975

[mere1975]

P.S.
Congratulations on your first vote, Phyllis! I died as a college freshman because I was 2 months too young to vote for Clinton the first time.

[monet2u]

I think you're right Mere, it pretty much comes down to those areas (more or less). And in many cases it's what you're exposed to in life too, some break free of the first scenario because they get out and see the world (or come to SF haha) and myself...I was immersed in the second option from the get go. I don't really know any different, tho I can see clearly that there are people that live differently than me. Sometimes I forget that and take for granted rights that should be for everyone...like gay marriage. What do I care if gays want to marry, I don't. However, it should be their right like it's mine. Like it's black people's right in this country to vote, sit where we want, etc, etc., etc. it's really the same thing to me. Denying people rights of any kind is just plain wrong.

I hope we can continue to move forward in this country so that at the very least people can agree even if something isn't their cup of tea (and that's ok) at least they can allow a person to have what they want freely and without judgement.

[Phyllis]

P.S.
Congratulations on your first vote, Phyllis! I died as a college freshman because I was 2 months too young to vote for Clinton the first time.

aww thanks mere. i'm so happy i can actually vote now. and in such a historic election.

[katie]

EDIT: okay i did read a tiny bit of the "letter to the blue states" thing. the argument of only the big cities going blue is a flawed argument. let's consider the fact that, in Texas (WHICH IS A RED STATE, BTW), urban areas such as Dallas, Austin and Houston almost always go blue. they will certainly go blue this election. yet we are a red state. it works both ways.

and i'd rather live in a country with "radical" feminists, gay marriage, and gun control than a place full of idiots toting guns around, CLINGING TO THEIR RELIGION trying to strip away the rights of women, minorities and gays. and then posing as compassionate christians who only want the best for god's children. yeah, fuck that plz. oh yeah i better go back to my hippie dungeon where i smoke weed all day and read The Nation. because i'm so fucking liberal. OMG WEED I'M SO LIBERAL.

i fucking love you.

[Phyllis]

i fucking love you more

[roach]

i'm going to vote. now.

[monet2u]

i'm going to vote. now.

YAY!! voting is COOL!